Kissing and Telling in Cleveland

It occurred to me today that in my life, three separate men have bought me a stuffed animal.  Just those three men. One a calico cat. One a valentine bear. And one a moose. These animals are not symbolic in anyway of anything going on in my life. Why they thought of me when they saw them is beyond me.

 
What does all this mean You ask?  Why am I telling you about my mismatched collection of fuzzy animals?  Well because I need to warn you. You see, each one of those men that bought me a stuffed animal have turned out to be complete lunatics.  Coincidence?  I don’t think so.  Stay away from the plush.  It’s a trap.

I’ve had three stalkers in my life. Each of them and only them, had bought me a stuffed animal at the very beginning of our relationship.

First they give you a teddy. Then they stalk you.

That’s my experience. And now theory.

J.

After a two week build up I finally got a chance to go out with someone I thought was the perfect guy for me.
Good job. Hands on dad. Dedicated to fitness. Things that unfortunately are rare these days.
We had met a couple times for lunch and got along fabulously.
Dinner went great. Drinks after. Laughter. Kisses. All the good stuff.
Got a good morning text the next day. I responded. Then, dead silence. That was 26 hours ago.
I’ve reached out twice. And he has ghosted me.
So. I deleted his contact. I actually have deleted all my dating apps.
I am going to meet someone organically. This is going to be a challenge filled with loads of disappointment. But not nearly as disappointing as being tossed aside like garbage. Especially after two weeks of hearing how awesome you are.

I didn’t mention that when he got home after our date he shot me his addressed and asked me to “come over”? Yea.
I am good enough for THAT…..  -J

“No expectations.
No disappointment.”

Casual..

Friends with benefits…

We’ve all done it.

Sometimes the feels creep in…

Sometimes we choose to put ourselves out there to see if the “friend” wants more.

I’ve actually been on both sides of this.

We all have that one friend that we hang out with, have sex with and it’s comfortable so we continue. But what happens when the super sweet guy tells you in bed that he doesn’t ever want to have a relationship? And that’s fine….. Or is it? It’s what we signed up for. Right?

I want a relationship. With him? Maybe. But definitely with someone. I’m looking. So when I ask him what happens when you text me in a couple weeks and I’m taken? What happens if someone else snatches up what you didn’t want to keep?

He stopped dead in his tracks. He didn’t say anything. As if he had never considered the possibility that I wouldn’t just be there.

That’s fine. I didn’t figure that he would say let’s do this. Let’s dive in headfirst. Let’s make this happen. Let’s be more than friends…

Maybe I’d kinda hoped…

But I can’t say I wasn’t disappointed anyhow.

I like him. He sweet. He’s a perfect gentleman. And when we’re together, we’re together. Other friends make comments about how great we are together. Comments about how they’re so glad that we found each other.
But we didn’t. And we’re not.

And we say that. We say we’re just “hanging out “. And the responses are confused. Because as far as they can tell, we are together. We’re not.

So what’s the next step? Is there one? Who holds the power in this situation? Is there power? Is it equal ground?

So we’re just friends.… but “just friends” don’t look at each other like that…

So calling it off altogether is probably the smart thing to do…

No one ever said I was smart…

-H

You swipe
You match
You say hi

Dead silence

Why? Why be on a dating site if you’re  not going to connect with someone. Even worse, why swipe right? Your silence proves to me that I’m just here to boost your ego.
Another match!
Well, aren’t you adorable.

Unmatch

-J

“Don’t make a girl fall for you if you have no intention of catching her”

So you meet a guy online. You start talking and you hit it off. Hidden behind the facade of your smartphone and maybe you feel brave and flirty. 

It’s a trap.

This is my recent experience with the guy that I’ll just call Superman. He said all the right things. He made me feel great about myself. He told me how I was so pretty and just his type. He was flirty, maybe overly. He shared intimate details with me and personal information. He even sent me a mostly naked picture that I didn’t ask for. 

He told me he couldn’t wait to meet me and kiss me and hold me.

We set a date. 

I thought all was fine. We talked nonstop and it was comfortable. Although I was very aware of his body language and I could tell he wasn’t feeling it.

At the end he walked me to my car, said “it was nice meeting you” and hugged me. No kiss. He then said “I’ll talk to you soon”. 

I knew he wouldn’t and I said that. I knew he wasn’t into me and that was fine.

I’m not everyone’s type. I saw in his eyes when we met that he was disappointed. 

So when he text me the next afternoon I was surprised. Random small talk. So I just put it out there that there was no reason for him to continue talking to me. 

He tried to put me in the friend zone. 

No thanks. 

 I told him that I don’t need a new friend, especially one that was interested and built me up until we met. 

This was his response: It was more about the lack of similar interests. I just felt like we were gonna struggle to find things to do and that can take away from a connection rather than building one.
Really?! That’s laughable. You saw me and didn’t like what you saw. Period. And that’s fine. Don’t try to appease me.

 If it was about “similar interests” then he would’ve known that after the prior 4 days chatting. Don’t send me naked pics and tell me about your sexual interests and cock size and then say “let’s be friends”.

My point to all of this ranting is this, take it slow and maybe save the intimate discussion until after the first date. 

Don’t build me up to just knock me down.

Don’t tell me about our “great connection” and then deny it because I don’t have the hot body you like. 

Don’t make me fall for you if you have no intention of catching me. 

-H

In a world so consumed with social media, the Internet and technology, have we forgotten how to interact socially face-to-face? 
Today at the grocery store I saw a guy, totally my type, totally checking me out and nothing. We walked passed each other in at least six aisles and he smiled at me every time. Neither of us said a word. So we just continued to walk past each other and smile. And then when he was gone I wish I’d said something.
It’s like we don’t know how to have conversations in real life. I seriously thought about talking to him but I had no idea what to say. I literally felt like I forgot how to talk to guys.
If he saw me online would he have swiped right?  
-H

So what do you do when the guy that disappeared resurfaces? 
Rewind two months. 

This cute guy who appeared to have his act together starts talking to me online. We seem to have a lot in common so we exchange numbers. He asks me out, but then ends up bailing with a stomach bug(no thanks). We set another date and I have to cancel on him. Through this we continue talking, texting and I’m really looking forward to a successful date to finally meet him. I mention a Saturday night date and he already has plans, but he asks if we can do Sunday instead. I reply that I have plans. 

No response. 

And that’s it. 

No big deal. 

Next. 

Sure I wondered what happened, but not enough to initiate that conversation. 

So last night I receive this text from him: 

“You still pissed at me H?”

Pissed? About what? 

So here I am at the crossroads… Do I let it go? Do I pick back up where we were? So I ask him what happened. His response seems legit. 
He leaves the ball in my court about what I want to do as the next step. So I kind of change the subject and make small talk. And then I fell asleep.

And now I’m questioning what I’m doing. And what about second chances? Especially when nothing transpired to make me weary of giving it. There was literally no red flags before this happened. People get busy, things happen. Especially when there’s kids and exes etc. involved.

Then he sends a message this morning about how amidst being so busy and the drama he was dealing with he realized that he needed to take some time for himself. And apparently that meant me?

He said he wanted to see me tonight.

It’s 8:15 and no word.

Proceed with caution.

-H

10:42 Friday night.  

I had a date. 

It’s been planned for a week. 

I bought a new dress. 

I did my hair. 

I planned my whole weekend around this. (Hello, single mom over here)

At first he cancelled dinner and asked to just meet for drinks at ten. 

Then it turned into… “Want to just come over babe?” (I declined of course). 

Then at 10:10 I sent him a text asking if he was coming or if I should go home. 

I just now. NOW. At 10:43 pm. On a Friday night. Got told that he couldn’t come. 

This is a grown man. In his 40’s.  

I’ve already wasted enough time on him.  

Miller light please!  

–J

Sincerity
I am not sure I even know what that means coming from a person anymore. Myself included.
I don’t know if  the thoughts and feelings I have are real. Are they coming from a good place? Am I overreacting, overthinking, expecting to much?
These “men” I interact with. Are they sincere? Or just desperate? Ego driven? What on earth do they want from me? What do I want from them? I’m stuck on this. And I don’t know how to move forward.
Lots of variables. I want to date. I want to play the field. But how do you do that without looking like a “player”. Am I in fact using them just as much as I feel they are using me.

Experimentation

Entertainment

Ego boost
All these are things that I gain from dating. They could be viewed as bad things. But I also gain good things.

A better sense of self

A knowledge of what I want or don’t want out of a partner

What I’m willing to put up with

What I’m willing to give
Is that bad? This has been done to me time after time. I’ve been someone’s experiment more than once. Why do I feel bad because I’m doing it.
What is dating? Anyone???? I cannot answer this right now.

–J

“No, that is the great fallacy: the wisdom of old men. They do not grow wise. They grow careful.” 

-Ernest Hemingway

So this is the last year of my 30s… and I’m fine with that. I’m comfortable with who I am, I’ve made changes and I moved on from verbally abusive and unhealthy relationship. I’m ready to start dating, ready to find a relationship. I feel like at my age, it’s hard to find the ideal guy. After I left my husband, and all the ness that came with that relationship, I had no idea what I wanted (or needed). My thought was that guys in their 40s should have their act together, should be mentally and emotionally stable, and know what they want to relationship. The flipside of that is they’re also stuck in their ways….

The first guy I really seriously dated was 42. He was active and fun, but also set in his ways. He fell fast for me and pulled me in with him. I thought this is what I needed. He readily threw around words like “forever” and wanted to plan a trip to California when I mentioned that going to Coachella was on my bucket list. Then he panicked that things were moving too fast. He pushed me away after setting unrealistic expectations. Shortly after we split he went back to his ex and a week later they were engaged. 

The next guy was 44. He was really fun for the first week and then after that it was “come over” followed by sitting on the couch and boring sex. I walked away when he told me he “didn’t know how to handle me”. As far as girls go I’m pretty low maintenance, if you can’t handle me good luck with any other girl.

Conclusion? I’m not really sure it’s fair to make a generalization, but I’m doing it. I think a lot of guys in their 40s are very set in their ways, not willing to bend and somehow think that a girl is “high maintenance” when she asks for anything outside of their mindset. Is it that they’ve been damaged by another woman? Is it that they want they want and are unwilling to change? I think it’s unrealistic for a guy to think that he can just keep being the same person that he was with his ex 10 years ago. Not all girls are a perfect form in chain of paper dolls. Sometimes you have to change your mindset, change your expectations and step up your game.

I just want to find somebody who wants to have fun. I don’t have a lot of free time and the time I do have I want to be out being social. I’m perfectly happy with sitting on the couch watching a movie sometimes, don’t get me wrong. I just feel like the first couple weeks should be more about adventure. 

So what’s my next step? Well I guess I need to change my expectations. When   Blake messaged me on a dating site, my first response was “you’re much too young for me “……
….to be continued…..
-H